Ouch...IT BURNS!!!!!!
Blasted Coffee....the first cup went down fine but with the second I guess I got too excited and burnt my throat. Luckily I had resolved to sip the water alongside the coffee and had a cold glass in my other hand. The good news is that the stuff got me out of bed at 6:38 this morning, thanks to my Momba's drive. She informed me on the second visit that I could forget having a pleasant morning, as she was determined (she even brought coffee): and that determination is what will get me through THIS day. Thanks Momba.
I guess you could say I hit a low again last night. I had such a wonderful day with Barry but when I got home I started thinking about all I haven't done in recent weeks to secure employment and to prepare for law school. I also started to think about this being the first time ever that I have felt truly financially insecure. There were always the wonderful loans, scholarships, and grants! Boy did I love THOSE acceptance letters! When I'd get them I'd completely forget the good grades, the interviews, and all the hard work and I'd be so excited because it seemed as though someone was just giving me money for the hell of it and I felt lucky! WooooHoooo, Free Money! Now, those days are over. Again, I always feel it's my duty to disclaim these things with a few of those "I'm better off than most" and "It could be worse" or "I'm lucky for what I've got" and "It's not so bad," but it certainly gets to me in a deep and painfully itchy way at times. It doesn't help that I've got the over-thinker gene and living at home adds stress with the list-to-do's that are needed of me.
So, the morning arrives and I set to sipping my coffee and reading Colin's new blog (my friend who's been traveling in the Balkans since February). I put the link down there with the interesting weirdos. I get to some of his own personal travel notes and I come across the psalm: Weeping may last for the night but joy comes with the dawn. Not that he or I were weeping when thinking of this psalm but it clued me into the fact that today was indeed a clean slate. I'm thinking of that John Wayne quote now, but it's lost in some long-ago journal: something about tomorrow being the best thing in life: it comes to us at dawn... I'll have to rummage to find that journal. It's amazing how those wise things I knew of the past get forgotten, and generally I come back to them over and over again. It's like my brain keeps telling me to remember how hopefully naive I was then and that it wouldn't be so bad to take a shot of that today!
But, I'm an ostensible Rambler....Hmmmm, I'll update you now on my job search: nothing. That's the update. Nothing found yet, but I've only been looking (rather half-ass-like) for less than a month. I'm looking into frame shops for something part time so I can live alone in Indy, since I'm good at both of those things: living alone and framing. The plan is to get out of the house primarily so that I can work for rent and study for the LSATS, but during all of that I'd love to find a real clerical job at a law firm in Indy like Ice Miller, Krieg DeVault, Barnes & Thornburg.
I have a networking luncheon with a lawyer from Krieg DeVault this coming Tuesday, and this will give me a good amount of guidance so I must ask the right questions and make the good impression. I know these things take time, energy, and lots of patience, but what would be a blog if not a forum to vent, so I'm venting. I suppose I'm just stir crazy living at home too, with nothing solid to work at and nothing to set my mind to thinking, thus nothing to make me feel worthy and that's NO good in general. Especially when you've got no job AND you're in a relationship. I don't want to drive poor Barry crazy with my insecurities. Though he reassures me he wants only to help, I know in the end I've got to get rigorous with this stuff. Otherwise I'll start to come to him as an escape, and I feel that love should be used as an escape only in certain circumstances; I've come to this realization only recently.
And when I 'come to a realization' I'm VERY stubborn: another realization I've come to only recently.
I guess you could say I hit a low again last night. I had such a wonderful day with Barry but when I got home I started thinking about all I haven't done in recent weeks to secure employment and to prepare for law school. I also started to think about this being the first time ever that I have felt truly financially insecure. There were always the wonderful loans, scholarships, and grants! Boy did I love THOSE acceptance letters! When I'd get them I'd completely forget the good grades, the interviews, and all the hard work and I'd be so excited because it seemed as though someone was just giving me money for the hell of it and I felt lucky! WooooHoooo, Free Money! Now, those days are over. Again, I always feel it's my duty to disclaim these things with a few of those "I'm better off than most" and "It could be worse" or "I'm lucky for what I've got" and "It's not so bad," but it certainly gets to me in a deep and painfully itchy way at times. It doesn't help that I've got the over-thinker gene and living at home adds stress with the list-to-do's that are needed of me.
So, the morning arrives and I set to sipping my coffee and reading Colin's new blog (my friend who's been traveling in the Balkans since February). I put the link down there with the interesting weirdos. I get to some of his own personal travel notes and I come across the psalm: Weeping may last for the night but joy comes with the dawn. Not that he or I were weeping when thinking of this psalm but it clued me into the fact that today was indeed a clean slate. I'm thinking of that John Wayne quote now, but it's lost in some long-ago journal: something about tomorrow being the best thing in life: it comes to us at dawn... I'll have to rummage to find that journal. It's amazing how those wise things I knew of the past get forgotten, and generally I come back to them over and over again. It's like my brain keeps telling me to remember how hopefully naive I was then and that it wouldn't be so bad to take a shot of that today!
But, I'm an ostensible Rambler....Hmmmm, I'll update you now on my job search: nothing. That's the update. Nothing found yet, but I've only been looking (rather half-ass-like) for less than a month. I'm looking into frame shops for something part time so I can live alone in Indy, since I'm good at both of those things: living alone and framing. The plan is to get out of the house primarily so that I can work for rent and study for the LSATS, but during all of that I'd love to find a real clerical job at a law firm in Indy like Ice Miller, Krieg DeVault, Barnes & Thornburg.
I have a networking luncheon with a lawyer from Krieg DeVault this coming Tuesday, and this will give me a good amount of guidance so I must ask the right questions and make the good impression. I know these things take time, energy, and lots of patience, but what would be a blog if not a forum to vent, so I'm venting. I suppose I'm just stir crazy living at home too, with nothing solid to work at and nothing to set my mind to thinking, thus nothing to make me feel worthy and that's NO good in general. Especially when you've got no job AND you're in a relationship. I don't want to drive poor Barry crazy with my insecurities. Though he reassures me he wants only to help, I know in the end I've got to get rigorous with this stuff. Otherwise I'll start to come to him as an escape, and I feel that love should be used as an escape only in certain circumstances; I've come to this realization only recently.
And when I 'come to a realization' I'm VERY stubborn: another realization I've come to only recently.
posted by Sammy Lynn Payne at Thursday, June 30, 2005
1 Comments:
Geez...you are driving me crazy.
In a good way of course.
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