Wink, I'm done!
One year, 17 credit hours, a big box of heavy books, a mean sum of library fees, a good amount of time hiding away in a library, a big file named, "Samantha's Thesis: Delete and I will Hurt You.doc !" on my dad's laptop, lots of explaining to an advisor who believed in me, friends who put up with me, anxiety, doubt, and refueling moments of profound and deep understanding that reminded me how exciting it was that I could, indeed, do this... Mostly it was the feeling that I was piercing my heart and brain with long sharp lead pencils several times daily ("Oh, it wasn't that bad", I say now that it's over and I have something to be proud of)...
It all ended on Tuesday!
Finished, resolved, terminated, done, gone, wrapped up, sown shut, settled...done done done!
I'm now officially a graduate of Indiana University with Honors in Political Science! I sat through an hour of discussion with my two readers. We had all kind of things to talk about that related to my thesis and the overall question I attacked. They asked me difficult questions, including "what would you do different next time?" "Are you happy with your finished product?" "Did you think about this and that?" "What does this author have to say about it?" And it was actually, somewhat, fun.
And then.........
They both spent a good amount of time trying to convince me to go to Graduate school. They both said they loved reading it and that my style of writing is "beautiful" and "organized." Well, I was very surprised to hear that. Now that I've read it over and over again, I tend to think it's a bit boring. What is important now to me, is that it is completed. I don't mean to say, "Man, I'm glad THAT'S over with." Rather, what I mean to say is, "I can't believe I did that to myself!" which is a product of many months of asking, "can I really do this?" I suppose I'm proud but more just relieved to know that I can keep a commitment to myself. It makes me feel somewhat selfish to have had stressed about it so much, or just silly, but now I know that I needed to do it for myself, to convince myself. Still, I wasn't totally alone. I remember lots of talks about who I was in relation to this project and I could not have made it happen without those shared words and worries.
Writing my honors thesis has probably been one of the greatest struggles I've gone through in my academic career, and I thank you all for being there for me. I suppose that's just how things work in the world. When you have a project that involves work and a good amount of time, you agonize about it because you feel it means something about your self-worth, but in the process you realize when it is over that it did not define you, you defined it, attacked it, overwhelmed it, and all that stress goes away to be replaced by a sense that you beat yourself into submission and you won! I guess I tackled myself more than I did the books, and I'd say I won.
Now I can read Matt's thesis which I'm sure is wonderful. I had promised not to read it until I finished my own! Jeez, it's about time!
JUST ABOUT TIME!!!!!!!
It all ended on Tuesday!
Finished, resolved, terminated, done, gone, wrapped up, sown shut, settled...done done done!
I'm now officially a graduate of Indiana University with Honors in Political Science! I sat through an hour of discussion with my two readers. We had all kind of things to talk about that related to my thesis and the overall question I attacked. They asked me difficult questions, including "what would you do different next time?" "Are you happy with your finished product?" "Did you think about this and that?" "What does this author have to say about it?" And it was actually, somewhat, fun.
The infamous "Winking Owl," turning a blind eye, yet all-knowing and encompassing of the events surrounding the contradiction that is Communist Rule in China.
And then.........
They both spent a good amount of time trying to convince me to go to Graduate school. They both said they loved reading it and that my style of writing is "beautiful" and "organized." Well, I was very surprised to hear that. Now that I've read it over and over again, I tend to think it's a bit boring. What is important now to me, is that it is completed. I don't mean to say, "Man, I'm glad THAT'S over with." Rather, what I mean to say is, "I can't believe I did that to myself!" which is a product of many months of asking, "can I really do this?" I suppose I'm proud but more just relieved to know that I can keep a commitment to myself. It makes me feel somewhat selfish to have had stressed about it so much, or just silly, but now I know that I needed to do it for myself, to convince myself. Still, I wasn't totally alone. I remember lots of talks about who I was in relation to this project and I could not have made it happen without those shared words and worries.
Writing my honors thesis has probably been one of the greatest struggles I've gone through in my academic career, and I thank you all for being there for me. I suppose that's just how things work in the world. When you have a project that involves work and a good amount of time, you agonize about it because you feel it means something about your self-worth, but in the process you realize when it is over that it did not define you, you defined it, attacked it, overwhelmed it, and all that stress goes away to be replaced by a sense that you beat yourself into submission and you won! I guess I tackled myself more than I did the books, and I'd say I won.
Now I can read Matt's thesis which I'm sure is wonderful. I had promised not to read it until I finished my own! Jeez, it's about time!
JUST ABOUT TIME!!!!!!!
posted by Sammy Lynn Payne at Tuesday, May 31, 2005
1 Comments:
Way to go, Sammy! I'm glad you're feeling so glorious, as well you should. I recall a few conversations where you didn't think you'd make it, but I never thought you wouldn't.
Drop me a line sometime, girly! I sure miss you. I want to know what you're doing, and I've got a few tales to tell myself!
love,
karen
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