Meet my roomate, Fear.
I live alone...
But for a long time now, even when I am alone, I haven't felt alone. This isn't good because what keeps me company is fear.
Last night I tried to figure out what I was so scared of. Could it be that I've been watching uncensored R rated movies since before I knew how to read? I've known Freddy and Jason since we lived in Atlanta and I still peed the bed! Last night, I asked myself why I didn't confront these irrational fears more often. I'm serious, I'm actually talking about tangible fear here, though for a bit while I make the connection it will seem completely absurd. I don't leave unattended knives in the kitchen sink. I hate bodies of water where the bottom is too murky to know how deep it is. I check the shower curtain from time to time just to show myself no one is waiting to hurt me. I've never enjoyed walking up dark staircases or leaving limbs hanging over the bed at night since obviously it's 'better safe than sorry' when it comes to scary clowns hiding under the bed waiting to grab me. Oh, and Basements are a BIG Fat NO NO if I'm going alone. The worst one of all, though, is the fear I feel at night when I wash my face before bedtime and the apartment is cold and dark. When I'm finished lathering, rinsing, etc, my watery eyes hesitate a nano-second, just enough time for my imagination to try, unsuccessfully, to convince myself not to think that there will be anything staring back at me from behind as I come up to look in the mirror.
I'm not completely crazy here. Don't worry, folks, I function day to day and these irrational fears cause no more distraction that simple habits, which require little time. I guess it means I'm a bit paranoid. hmmm, a bit. Last night, though, I started to feel there was something deeper to these things. Well, other than the fact that I'm 22 years and by now I should be convinced that scary man-eating clowns do not hide beneath my bed or in my shower. I mean, everyone knows they hide in street sewers! But have you seen the movie, "IT"? That's some scary shit.
Really, though, who or what do I feel would stare back at me if ever something would, and why do I feel it lurking in the cold air behind me when I'm alone. More importantly, why do I feel it would hurt me as it stares into my eyes from behind. I generally feel objects are transient and fleeting (which is why before this year I tried to stay minimialistic about buying furniture, etc) yet I feel a cold fear flowing through and around it all.
Stay tuned, there IS a metaphor...
There can't rationally be anyone there, and no one to acknowledge my efforts. So, I thought, it must just be me staring back into myself from behind, witnessing such horrific delusions. (duh, it's a mirror!). But seriously, it makes sense and it seems perfectly natural that I would create such fears about me, I just didn't know until now that I was actually horrified by the delusion that anyone else would be there to look inside me other than myself, and this has become so deep that it caused me to conjure up some scary monster.
Part Two of Scary-Monster-in-Mirror metaphor: Okay, so it's me. I've wasted all this mental capacity fearing myself and my own delusions. Now, the shit part of it is, I thought they'd hurt me. The cold breezze I feel was never laughing or just standing by mocking me, it was there to harm me.
I think that covers it. I tried to make sense of this with one of my best friends the other night, though I didn't get so deep and dark on him like I am now. Turns out he too feels fear, fear of judgment, fear of seeming unusual, fear that for him had caused inhibition with friends and family. I too fear the people I love more than anything else, which is why for so long I've kept them at a careful distance. I don't want them to judge me, and I don't want the relationship to be tainted with sour feelings. How crazy to think that it's okay to not live just because you are afraid life won't be perfect. Though this is directly related, I now return to the scary-monster-waiting-to-kill-me metaphor.
I want to stop this nonsense! I want to stop being afraid that I will do something wrong and that I will be judged for it. I've come to realize that no one is judging me and that the fear and pressure I feel comes from inside myself and even it needs to be leveled out in some way so that this fear doesn't become depression and dissapointment. It's scary how far it has come so far. I'm not going to become emotionless or cold, but I want to stop living with these delusions. And most of all, I need to stop living as if I'm performing for something.
But for a long time now, even when I am alone, I haven't felt alone. This isn't good because what keeps me company is fear.
Last night I tried to figure out what I was so scared of. Could it be that I've been watching uncensored R rated movies since before I knew how to read? I've known Freddy and Jason since we lived in Atlanta and I still peed the bed! Last night, I asked myself why I didn't confront these irrational fears more often. I'm serious, I'm actually talking about tangible fear here, though for a bit while I make the connection it will seem completely absurd. I don't leave unattended knives in the kitchen sink. I hate bodies of water where the bottom is too murky to know how deep it is. I check the shower curtain from time to time just to show myself no one is waiting to hurt me. I've never enjoyed walking up dark staircases or leaving limbs hanging over the bed at night since obviously it's 'better safe than sorry' when it comes to scary clowns hiding under the bed waiting to grab me. Oh, and Basements are a BIG Fat NO NO if I'm going alone. The worst one of all, though, is the fear I feel at night when I wash my face before bedtime and the apartment is cold and dark. When I'm finished lathering, rinsing, etc, my watery eyes hesitate a nano-second, just enough time for my imagination to try, unsuccessfully, to convince myself not to think that there will be anything staring back at me from behind as I come up to look in the mirror.
I'm not completely crazy here. Don't worry, folks, I function day to day and these irrational fears cause no more distraction that simple habits, which require little time. I guess it means I'm a bit paranoid. hmmm, a bit. Last night, though, I started to feel there was something deeper to these things. Well, other than the fact that I'm 22 years and by now I should be convinced that scary man-eating clowns do not hide beneath my bed or in my shower. I mean, everyone knows they hide in street sewers! But have you seen the movie, "IT"? That's some scary shit.
Really, though, who or what do I feel would stare back at me if ever something would, and why do I feel it lurking in the cold air behind me when I'm alone. More importantly, why do I feel it would hurt me as it stares into my eyes from behind. I generally feel objects are transient and fleeting (which is why before this year I tried to stay minimialistic about buying furniture, etc) yet I feel a cold fear flowing through and around it all.
Stay tuned, there IS a metaphor...
There can't rationally be anyone there, and no one to acknowledge my efforts. So, I thought, it must just be me staring back into myself from behind, witnessing such horrific delusions. (duh, it's a mirror!). But seriously, it makes sense and it seems perfectly natural that I would create such fears about me, I just didn't know until now that I was actually horrified by the delusion that anyone else would be there to look inside me other than myself, and this has become so deep that it caused me to conjure up some scary monster.
Part Two of Scary-Monster-in-Mirror metaphor: Okay, so it's me. I've wasted all this mental capacity fearing myself and my own delusions. Now, the shit part of it is, I thought they'd hurt me. The cold breezze I feel was never laughing or just standing by mocking me, it was there to harm me.
I think that covers it. I tried to make sense of this with one of my best friends the other night, though I didn't get so deep and dark on him like I am now. Turns out he too feels fear, fear of judgment, fear of seeming unusual, fear that for him had caused inhibition with friends and family. I too fear the people I love more than anything else, which is why for so long I've kept them at a careful distance. I don't want them to judge me, and I don't want the relationship to be tainted with sour feelings. How crazy to think that it's okay to not live just because you are afraid life won't be perfect. Though this is directly related, I now return to the scary-monster-waiting-to-kill-me metaphor.
I want to stop this nonsense! I want to stop being afraid that I will do something wrong and that I will be judged for it. I've come to realize that no one is judging me and that the fear and pressure I feel comes from inside myself and even it needs to be leveled out in some way so that this fear doesn't become depression and dissapointment. It's scary how far it has come so far. I'm not going to become emotionless or cold, but I want to stop living with these delusions. And most of all, I need to stop living as if I'm performing for something.
posted by Sammy Lynn Payne at Saturday, December 18, 2004
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